Step right up, you imperfect dummy! If you’ve ever dreamed of living in your own personal fantasy world, disconnected from reality yet full of meaning (to you, at least), this guide is for you.
Step 1: Pick Your Target
Find someone who has rejected you—ideally more than once. The more brutal and public the rejections, the better! Bonus points if they’ve declared their eternal love for someone else and said, with admirable clarity, “No one can replace them.”
Perfect. Now that you’ve marked your target, let’s get started.
Step 2: Investigate (A.K.A. Stalk)
Monitor them like a full-time private investigator—but with none of the ethics. Extra credit if you’ve got a tech-savvy friend who can hack into their devices and feed you updates like you’re running a spy operation.
- Did they buy a coffee? That’s not just caffeine—it’s a love letter. Obviously, they bought it because of you.
- Did they post a song they like? Get those hopes sky-high! They’re definitely thinking of you. It’s not just a song. It’s your song.
- Did they gain or lose weight? That’s got your name written all over it. Clearly, their metabolism is emotionally responding to your presence.
Forget the billions of other humans with similar habits. Coffee, music, weight fluctuations—none of that existed for them before you entered the picture. You’re not just special—you’re the origin story.
Step 3: Interpret Every Action as a Sign
Never mind context or logic. Every random thing they do is a coded message, just for you:
- That outfit? Worn for you.
- That post about “peace and solitude”? Secretly about missing you.
- That eye-roll emoji? A cry for attention from you.
Reject all doubts. Delusion thrives in blind confidence.
Step 4: Diagnose Yourself
Now pause. Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and ask:
“Have I done this?”
If yes, congratulations! You’re officially delulu. My heartfelt advice? Schedule a nice long chat with a therapist. And maybe stop watching psychological thrillers for a while.
Bonus Section: If You’re the One Being Stalked
Now, if you’re on the receiving end of this chaos, here’s what not to do:
- Don’t change your life just to avoid a delusional audience.
- Don’t stop enjoying your coffee, music, or selfies because someone out there made you the main character of their fever dream.
- And definitely don’t explain yourself. The people who truly know you won’t need it. The rest will twist your words into motivational posters for their imaginary love story.
Keep your head high—and your middle fingers higher. After all, there’s nothing more healing than a well-timed “hell no” to the uninvited.
